About Your Pride and My Prejudice - Chapter 95

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How was I like that night?

Was my expression okay? Was it awkward? What if the sounds I made were weird? Maybe there was something that wasn’t pretty or natural in his eyes…….

Thinking about this made me feel as if I were wandering in the darkness without an exit. Negative thoughts flooded in, and it was no longer at the level I could handle.

‘Because he’s not satisfied with me…….’

All of a sudden, I was looking for the reason he didn’t come back. His return to the mansion has always been infrequent, hence it was certainly a foolish thought. Nevertheless, there was no way to stop thinking about depressing thoughts.

Does he regret telling a woman like me all his secrets? Was it wrong of me to want him in the first place? Then am I being punished? Is he going to cover it up like this? Like nothing happened?

I didn’t like it. It might have been just a passing fling for him, but for me, that night…… It was the most overwhelming and brilliant moment of my life.

So even in the strange pain as if my body was splitting, I did not run away but clung to him. Like the last spark of a life, that got ignited, so desperate. If it could lead deeper, if it could reach the end of the soul, I would be willing to endure even more pain.

I opened the beautiful flacon bottle again and smelled his scent. Then I cried like it was all a lie.

What if I had ran away from his embrace that night. If that was the case, wouldn’t the nights that he did not return be as disturbing as this?

I was definitely able to run away. He was not coercive and I was not reluctant to comply. 

Nevertheless, the reason the tears won’t stop is probably because I know myself too well that even if I turned back time, even if that moment was our last, I would have opened my arms to him in the end.

His hand caressing me was careful and friendly, as if he were dealing with something most precious in the world. It was certainly comparable to love. Alan didn’t answer, but he would have known too. The fact that everything we shared that day was infinitely close to love.

It’s just that I’m not his only love.

If I had been told the words ‘I love you’  as  a lie, my heart would not have broken this much. I cherished a small glass bottle and shed tears.

Your arms were a salvation to me. Because I was grateful for the fact that I was me for the first time that day. Maybe no religion in the world will give me such a rest. Even if your kiss was nothing more than an almsgiving, I’d certainly be a blessed believer.

Suddenly, I felt as if I had returned to a day last winter when it snowed exceptionally. He saved me on his own again this time, and after barely realizing it wasn’t a dream, he’s already gone.

The overflowing love and the overwhelming emotions that made me lost are the only ones left behind. What a cruel salvation indeed.

At that time, the harsh one-sided feeling was so painful that I believed that I had to look from afar to keep it in its most beautiful form. At that time, that distance alone was terrifyingly fascinating. I can’t even imagine that there is something worse than that.

Looking back, I may have been dull at that time, but I was filled with only love. So there was nothing to get lost. But now I can’t love or hate him as before, so I keep getting lost.

Of course, I have no desire to go back to that time, so it’s all fleeting thoughts. If that’s the case, it would be ridiculous to be more pitiful than this. It’s a contradiction to weep like an abandoned person when I’ve never been his.

If the shapeless scent, the jokes of the gentle maid, and the scenery outside the window that were gradually adding color could not comfort me, there was only one thing left. No, maybe this was the only comfort I had from the beginning.

My writing.

“If it’s Troy…”

If Troy loses her, he will feel a deep sense of loss as if he had lost everything in his life. Even though his character is inspired from Alan Leopold, he is different from the real Alan.

Although they make mistakes and hurt themselves because they are clumsy in love, they all lead to character development. He will eventually give her unparalleled love.

After overcoming the ordeal, the two will be happy forever in the unchanging love. It’s a story that started just for that.

So, I hope this story ends with passionate love.  My ideal, that will be more beautiful and dazzling because it cannot come true……….

* * *

“Miss!”

“…….”

I woke up to Sandra’s cheerful voice. It’s always like this these days.

“Did you fall asleep while writing the novel again? You are an unstoppable artist!”

Sandra playfully sticks her tongue out as she clears the bedside table cluttered with melted candles and the manuscript paper.

“I don’t know much about art or literature, but when I see you, I think you’re cool.”

“……Why?”

“I feel like you’re completely immersed in the novel. It feels like you’re in a different world at that time, so it’s amazing.”

……That’s because I have no other place to put my mind into.

“And recently, you always cry when you write.”

“That….”

“I get sad when I watch it, but that’s definitely proof that you’re passionate about the work, isn’t it? It feels like a real artist!”

“…….”

It’s not like real art…… It’s because I feel sorry for my love. I’m the only one who can cry for my love.

Of course, I couldn’t say that, so I changed the subject.

“Is it time to eat soon?”

“No, miss. One more hour left?  Seeing you say that, I guess the season has come when you feel like you are getting an appetite.”

“Yeah, it’s already autumn.”

“If you’re hungry, shall I bring you a snack?”

I laughed helplessly at the remark and shook my head. Sandra then opened her mouth with a playful childlike face.

“Actually, I brought something you might like more than snacks.”

“… like?”

As I stretched my body and asked again with a blank face, something popped out in front of me.

It was a white envelope.

“I went home last night and found out that it was there.”

[Tobias Miller]

“You’ve been waiting for a long time, miss.”