Chapter 44 – Unwanted Existence

“Perhaps it’s because you’re not familiar with it.”

Mrs Morco patted Alicia’s back.

Alicia shut her eyes tightly.

It wasn’t unfamiliar.

She just didn’t want to accept the existence of the child itself.

Cabellenus was the only one she needed to accept – one was enough.

For now, she didn’t want to add any more.

“It’s understandable to think that a strange being is inside you all of a sudden.”

“…….”

“First of all, it hasn’t been confirmed that you’re pregnant yet.”

Alicia’s hand tightened.

The moment she heard Mrs Morco’s words, she began to wish she wasn’t pregnant.

‘Am I weird?’

Alicia bit her lip.

Someone once told her that motherhood was an instinct.

If it were her child, she would have no choice but to love them.

It was a matter of course.

However, she didn’t feel the slightest sense of natural feelings.

Regardless, it was useless to dwell on the existence of the child.

She felt sorry for her child, but she wasn’t happy at all.

Instead of purely blessing the budding life, the feelings of fear prevailed.

She didn’t have the confidence to be a good mother.

That was the conclusion Alicia reached after a long time of thinking.

“Don’t worry too much. It’s not a bad thing.”

“……Do you really think so?”

“Of course it’s a good thing.”

Mrs Morco whispered in a kind voice.

She knew there was a possibility of a dispute, but there was no fault in the child being born.

A child deserved to be blessed just by being born.

“If a child is born, I’m sure they will be a lovely child.”

“…….”

“Perhaps they will resemble His Grace, or on the contrary, my lady.”

“Resemble His Grace…..”

Alicia’s gaze shook.

Mrs Morco did not miss the opportunity and squeezed her hands a little more.

“Either way, they’ll be a lovely child. They’ll also be the fruit of your relationship.”

“…….”

“I’m sure they’ll grow up with plenty of love and will grow up to be great. They’ll be Schwarhan’s next master.”

Despite Mrs Morco’s assurance, Alicia could not accept the child’s existence.

Because she had only ever seen two types of parents.

They either measured the child’s value or sacrificed everything for the child.

Alicia didn’t want to be either one.

She didn’t want to judge the value of the sudden foreign existence, nor live a life for it.

“If you’re feeling overwhelmed, we can call the doctor later. After you feel at ease.”

Mrs Morco looked at Alicia with anxious eyes.

However, it was hard to figure out what Alicia was thinking from her blank expression.

“……Please call a doctor.”

“My lady.”

“It won’t make any difference if I get checked later. I’ll check it now. That would be better.”

Alicia nodded resolutely.

Although she repeatedly swept her stomach just in case, her feelings toward the child remained unchanged.

The child without movement was not at all lovely.

Even at that moment, she desperately hoped that she was not pregnant.

 

* * *

“Take a deep breath and then exhale.”

“Like this?”

“Yes, that will do.”

After skillfully checking Alicia’s condition, the doctor asked a few questions and wrote down a report.

Alicia looked at the doctor with nervous eyes.

She felt sorry and guilty to think like this, but she couldn’t stop it.

Even as she endured the guilt, Alicia hoped she wasn’t pregnant.

“How is it?”

“There seems to be no big problem. However…….”

The doctor avoided Alicia’s gaze, and his voice trailed off.

“Is there a problem?”

Unable to bear the wait, Mrs Morco stepped forward.

The doctor smiled awkwardly, shaking his head weakly.

“I don’t think she’s pregnant.”

“Ah.”

Alicia covered her mouth with both hands at the instinctive noise that popped out.

But she wasn’t sure if it was merely because of joy.

Despite desperately hoping that she was not pregnant when Alicia heard the news, she felt strange.

“Maybe it’s too early to confirm it.”

Mrs Morco frowned.

“That’s possible, but in my opinion, I don’t believe that’s the case.”

“No?”

“It’s certainly true that overwhelming tiredness, changes in appetite, or nausea are symptoms of pregnancy. However, based on the examination, there is no evidence to confirm that the lady is pregnant.”

“Are you sure?”

“If you don’t believe me, you can call the other doctors. Everyone will say the same thing.”

The doctor waved his hand hastily in front of Mrs Morco.

“But–”

“It’s all right.”

Alicia shook her head firmly.

Mrs Morco, who was staring at the doctor, finally sighed at Alicia’s resistance and withdrew.

“I’m sorry, my lady. I’m afraid I was too hasty.”

“No. Anyone would have thought that. I understand.”

Alicia laughed, but somehow her body felt weak.

‘It’s a shame now.’

Alicia let out a wistful breath.

She unconsciously touched her stomach.

“Then, why does the lady show such symptoms?”

Mrs Morco’s face was distorted.

Gazeff speculated that Cabellenus’s absence was too much for Alicia and caused her to show such symptoms.

From one point on, Alicia was disgusted by the smell of certain foods.

“I’m not sure about that, either.”

“You don’t know? If the doctor doesn’t know the patient’s condition, who on earth will trust you to treat them?”

“I’m sorry. But there’s really no other abnormalities. Even though the lady is on the thin side, she’s healthy enough.”

Mrs Morco’s fierce spirit caused the doctor to shrink back, but he kept talking.

He was the best doctor in Schwarhan.

He was confident of his diagnosis.

What Alicia was showing was early signs of pregnancy, but she wasn’t pregnant.

“However, I’ve heard that if you yearn for pregnancy, you often experience symptoms due to the mind…….”

The doctor kept an eye out as he spoke.

[T/N: To “keep an eye out” means to remain vigilant or carefully watchful for something or someone.]

There was nothing good about offending nobles.

“That can’t be right.”

“Then, I have no diagnosis to make.”

The doctor’s shoulders shrank even more at Mrs Morco’s cold response.

He, too, thought that Alicia’s symptoms were strange, but he couldn’t lie.

“But, as you said, I may have missed something since it’s too early in the stages of pregnancy so I will check again later.”

“That would be great.”

Mrs Morco secretly glanced at Alicia, trying not to show any regrets.

Perhaps it was better this way.

Alicia, who couldn’t accept the child, didn’t seem ready to become a parent yet.

It would be better to wait a little longer.

* * *

“She isn’t pregnant?”

“Yes. That’s what the doctor said.”

“I see. That’s good.”

Cabellenus nodded calmy.

Despite hearing Gazeff’s report, Cabellenus’s hand, which was signing the papers, never stopped.

He really didn’t care.

Gazeff stood still, not knowing what expression to make of his superior’s reaction.

“……I think you should go see the lady.”

“I’m not done with my work yet.”

“She may have been disappointed.”

“Disappointed?”

“The lady must have heard the news that she’s not pregnant.”

Cabellenus’s hand finally stopped moving.

Gazeff immediately went on, feeling a little nervous.

“It’s usually like that.”

“…….”

“It would be nice if you could visit her for a moment. The lady is heavily dependent on Your Grace.”

Gazeff smiled awkwardly.

Cabellenus had always been a reliable master, and Gazeff still respected him as his superior.

But apart from that, he couldn’t help but feel uneasy.

Cabellenus never reversed his decision.

Cabellenus had already decided on the disposition for the child, and all that remained was to implement it.

Knowing that, Gazeff had no choice but to pat his chest when he heard that Alicia was not pregnant, but after that, he became increasingly afraid for the future.

Even if a child was born in the future, it was impossible to guarantee their safety.

Cabellenus could remove the child at any time based on the situation.

The threat to the child’s life would be none other than their father.

“Maybe, she’s secretly crying.”

“…….”

Although he had already heard of Alicia’s reaction, Gazeff tried to pretend not to know.

Cabellenus was unusually generous to Alicia and always tried to accommodate her.

In order to protect the future child from Cabellenus, he had no choice but to mention Alicia.

If he could continue to make Cabellenue aware that Alicia found the child’s existence special, he could expect a better response when they had a real child.

That was the best solution Gazeff could devise.

“That’s possible.”

Fortunately, the excuse worked, and Cabellenus put down the pen.

“It’s might not be enough, but I’ll stay here for a while. Go ahead.”

“…….”

“……What’s wrong?”

Gazeff carefully examined his superior’s countenance.

Although he wasn’t usually this self-conscious, his anxiety soared when he saw Cabellenus’s slanted mouth.

“I think it would be better to prepare something that would make her feel better instead of just visiting.”

“Oh, yes. Yes. That would be better.”

Gazeff nodded hastily.

“I wonder what she will like.”

Cabellenus tapped the desk with his index finger.

Gazeff looked at him and swallowed his saliva.

It’s been a long time since he had been so nervous.

No, he didn’t think he was this nervous even during the Battle of Markata, where they were driven into a corner.

Even then, it didn’t feel like a death sentence, but the tapping sound, which felt like a prompt to answer, did.

“I think Your Grace knows the lady best.”

“…….”

He thought it wasn’t a bad answer, but the look on his superior’s face didn’t look very pleased.

Gazeff quickly lowered his head and corrected his answer.

“Let me ask my aunt.”

“That would be best. But…….”

He thought it would be the correct answer this time, but it didn’t seem to be the case.

Gazeff’s eyes trembled slightly.

The cold sweat running down his spine was chilling and made him shudder.

“What’s wrong?”

Gazeff struggled to clear his voice and forcibly lifted the ends of his lips, but his superior’s expression did not loosen.

“…….”

“…….”

He wasn’t sure if it was just an illusion, but the air in the room, where silence continued, seemed to weigh heavily on his body.

Gazeff kept his eyes on his superior, whose expression remained unreadable.

However, Cabellenus was not generous enough to consider his subordinate’s feelings.

All Gazeff could do was wait quietly.

Undeniably, he couldn’t erase the thought that the wait was hellish.

Gazeff remained silent, hoping that his superior’s mouth would open as soon as possible.

“……No. Forget it. Don’t worry about it.”

Whether or not Gazeff’s prayers were heard, fortunately, Cabellenus soon sighed and touched his forehead.

“Are you all right?”

“Don’t mind me. Just get in touch with Mrs Morco first.”

Cabellenus roughly gestured with his hands and leaned his upper body against the chair.

Until this morning, he felt particularly satisfied, but his mood dampened at the unexpected question.

He couldn’t proudly claim that he knew Alicia well as there was still a lot he didn’t know about her.

He tried to count the things Alicia liked, but he couldn’t even fold all his fingers.

‘What I can be sure of is walking, studying, and painting…….’

A faint wrinkle sat on Cabellenus’s smooth forehead as he looked out the window.

Today, it was snowing heavily, so she couldn’t go out.

Taking a walk in this weather was unreasonable.

‘But it’s absurd to study in this situation, too.’

Cabellenus’s wrinkles deepened a little.

It was ridiculous to talk about studying to a depressed person, but in the first place, the man was not good at teaching.

‘The only thing left is painting… … .’

Cabellenus, who nodded without much thought, suddenly stopped moving.

‘It won’t be difficult for him.’

He tried hard not to feel bothered.

However, in this situation, it was inevitable that the presence of the young painter, who could hold a friendly conversation with Alicia, felt unpleasant.

In this situation, Cabellenus struggled, but James could have made Alicia laugh easily with his talent.

‘…… Ridiculous, really.’

He never thought he would be envious of a weak painter who would have carried nothing heavier than a canvas.

Cabellenus sneered, his lips curled.

The wrinkles on his forehead were now deep enough to be apparent to anyone.