Chapter 52 – A Crack

It felt like she plunged into ice water.

Her mind went blank, but she could hear the words that she didn’t want to hear very clearly.

“Don’t talk nonsense.”

Alicia clenched her teeth.

Even James had a line he could not cross.

He couldn’t insult Cabellenus with any more of this nonsense.

“My lady.”

“His Grace is not the type of man who would do such a thing.”

“My sister said the same thing as what my lady said.”

“…….”

“Even though everyone dissuaded her from doing so, she just said that her lover was different from other aristocrats and that he loved and cherished her very much. But the only thing that came back was cold scorn and ridicule.”

James closed his eyes as he couldn’t bear to look at Alicia.

He didn’t want to see her shaky eyes and pity her, but it couldn’t be helped.

Their relationship wasn’t going to work anyway.

Even if it was painful, it was better to cut it off as soon as possible and return to reality.

No matter what Alicia did, she couldn’t be happy with Cabellenus.

Their two worlds were completely different.

“No. His Grace is very different.”

James opened his eyes again at the sound of her strong voice.

The gaze that he thought would naturally collapse did not shake.

“I know it’s a difficult reality for the lady to accept right now, but you have to acknowledge it.”

“What do you want me to acknowledge?”

“The seat next to him is not yours.”

“If it’s not mine, whose is it?”

Alicia glared coldly at James.

“Even if it’s cruel, that’s the reality.”

“No.”

“My lady.”

“His Grace promised. He promised to give it to me.”

Alicia shook her head roughly, clenching her teeth.

Cabellenus was hers.

He was her man, not anyone else’s.

It was unacceptable to deny that fact.

“Anyone can talk. I can act as if I’m going to take out all my organs or say that I’ll pick out all the stars in the sky. But those are just words.”

“…….”

“I see my sister whenever I look at you. My sister blindly trusted the man and wanted to leave her family to run away with him. However, she was abandoned miserably and eventually hanged herself on her wedding night.”

James took a deep breath to hold back his anger.

Even though it was a long time ago, whenever he recalled the memories of that day, the blood in his whole body seemed to boil.

“I…….”

“I know you’re telling me it’s different. It’s hard to acknowledge, and it’s hard to accept. But if one day, when your mind settles, I hope that you would remember me at least once.”

James’s voice was mixed with emotion.

It would have been better if she had confided in him at least once and received some comfort, but his sister just suffered alone and eventually hung herself and died.

Perhaps the shock was too great.

Or was it because he was younger than her, so she felt like she couldn’t rely on him?

Even after accepting that his sister had left, James didn’t know why but he would always unconsciously think that way.

At that time, he wondered if the worst outcome would still have happened if his sister had any shadow of protection that she could rely on.

“Even though I’m only a humble painter, I can afford to help you. That’s what I wanted to tell you.”

“I didn’t hear anything.”

“I got it. You can say that, too.”

She wanted to pour out harsh words, but when she saw the faint smile followed by his sombre words, she couldn’t think of anything else.

Alicia chewed her lips and eventually turned her head away from James.

She pressed her chest with her palm, trying to ignore her feelings, but to no avail.

Her heart was beating, and it was pounding very quickly.

* * *

“Have you heard from His Grace?”

“Yes. His Grace said it would be difficult for him to come for a while.”

‘Why? How come? Was it because the story I heard was true?’

Alicia swallowed the questions that couldn’t pass through her throat.

She wanted to believe in him without any doubt, but seeing the empty bed made her feel the absence of Cabellenus even more.

“My lady, would you like a cup of tea?”

“No, it’s okay. I’m just going to sleep.”

“Okay. Then I’ll help you to bed.”

Mrs Morco covered Alicia with a blanket and then waited for a while until her breath picked up before leaving.

Unbeknownst to Mrs Morco, as soon as she closed the door, the grey eyes immediately fluttered opened.

Alicia looked around and carefully stood up.

In the meticulously curtained room, there was no light in sight.

Alicia stared blankly into the air.

She knew that lately, she had become very emotional. That was most likely why she couldn’t seem to forget about James’s words.

But even though she was aware of that, she couldn’t seem to calm down.

“His Grace wouldn’t do that.”

Alicia tried to dispel her thoughts by patting her cheeks lightly, but she failed to erase the remaining doubts.

In James’s story, Cabellenus was no different from what she remembered.

Day by day, he brought all kinds of precious things in his arms and promised her the seat beside him.

Knowing that fact better than anyone else, Alicia felt nervous.

So she wanted to ask Cabellenus, and at the same time, she didn’t want to.

She was afraid that when she faced Cabellenus, he would look at her coldly.

‘Would it be better if I had a child?’

Alicia shook her head helplessly.

Although she knew that a good parent wouldn’t think like this, she still had that idea.

If the child could become a shackle that held onto Cabellenus, then she thought it wouldn’t be unfavourable.

‘……I-I really don’t deserve to be a parent.’

Alicia’s shoulders droop downwards.

It was shameful that she, and not anyone else, tried to treat her child as a tool.

In the end, she felt disgusted as she quickly realised that half the child’s blood would belong to hers.

Alicia’s hand slowly glided down.

It had become a habit to touch her flat belly.

“I’m sorry, my baby.”

Even if the child didn’t exist, she felt sorry that she hadn’t thought about it for a while.

And, sometimes, she felt like there was someone in there.

Alicia leaned against the back of the bed, pressing down the feelings of melancholy.

The sensation of the hardwood reminded her of the memories she had forgotten, but she tried hard to ignore it and quietly closed her eyes.

“I’ve heard of such a story before. The story said that children watch their parents before they are born. In the past, I didn’t think much of it, but these days I keep thinking about it.”

If the story was true, then the baby must be watching her.

Her fingers stiffened.

Even now, she didn’t have the confidence to be a parent, but she hoped that the child would not get hurt.

“I still don’t want you. But that doesn’t mean I hate you. There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m just not ready yet. So…….”

Her hand that was touching her belly paused.

Alicia wrinkled her nose.

It was a fleeting moment, but it was definitely familiar energy.

‘Perhaps…….’

Alicia hastily examined her body.

She inspected her condition several times to find the energy she had just felt.

But no matter how much she searched, she couldn’t feel anything.

‘Was it just an illusion? Otherwise, was it really the power…….’

*Click.*

In an instant, Alicia reflexively raised her head at the sound of the door.

Although she couldn’t see the visitor’s face, since her eyes were accustomed to the darkness, she could recognise them at a glance.

“……I thought you wouldn’t come.”

“I thought you were asleep.”

“Why did you say you weren’t going to come?”

“I didn’t know when I could make time, so I didn’t want to keep you waiting.”

“…….”

“Are you mad?”

The carefully thrown question made Alicia’s lips tremble.

The moment she saw the man who looked at her with an awkward expression, the anxiety that had plagued her melted away so quickly to the point that it was funny.

“……Do I look mad?”

“Your voice sounds sharper than usual. And you have an angry expression.”

“You can’t see my face, though.”

“I can see it. It’s also very clear. And…….”

‘This would make it even clearer.’

Cabellenus, who strode up to her, grabbed Alicia’s face.

“Did you wait long?”

“No.”

“But the rims of your eyes are so damp.”

“…….”

“Sorry. I knew you were feeling downcast, so I wanted to come and see you right away if I had a little time.”

The rough fingertips caressed the corners of her eyes with a delicate touch that didn’t match.

Alicia couldn’t hold back the tears that burned her eyes and quickly hugged Cabellenus.

“I missed you. Really.”

Alicia murmured like a silly child with her face buried on the nape of Cabellenus’s neck.

She didn’t want to be emotional, but she kept getting swept up in the mood of the moment.

It was as if someone was manipulating her.

“I must have made you wait for a long time.”

Cabellenus’s arm tightened around her.

Alicia dug into his arms and closed her eyes.

“I heard a bad story.”

“What’s the story?”

There was a note of displeasure in Cabellenus’s voice.

Alicia squeezed the hem of Cabellenus’s clothes.

“It heard that Your Grace would be engaged to the Princess of Christie Kingdom.”

“…….”

At that instant, the hand that was patting her back halted, but Alicia did not notice it.

She was focused on strengthening the embrace in the case that she lost the man in her arms.

“It’s absurd.”

“…….”

“Your Grace, no. Cabellenus wouldn’t do that.”

“…….”

“……Cabellenus?”

It wasn’t until the silence continued that Alicia realised something strange and raised her head.

However, the man’s face was shrouded in darkness, so she couldn’t tell what expression he was making.

All she could see was the golden eyes.

Even in the dark, his golden eyes shone brightly without losing their colour.

Those eyes that only stared straight ahead were trembling.

Alicia reflexively swallowed her saliva.

The sound of saliva passing down her throat was exceptionally loud in the silence. 

“……No?”

“…….”

“No, it can’t be.”

‘Hurry up and tell me I’m wrong.’

Alicia couldn’t stand the silence and quietly urged Cabellenus.

Cabellenus, unable to overcome her desperate gaze, reached out and grabbed Alicia’s shoulder.

“……No.”

He didn’t want to lie.

Alicia was the only person who could make him feel guilty.

But her body was currently too weak for him to tell her everything.

Now, more than anything else, Alicia had to take care of her body. 

“No?”

“Yes. It’s nothing.”

The man’s voice was a little stronger than before.

It wasn’t difficult to add another lie to one he already spat out.

“Is it really nothing? The fact that the Princess of Christie Kingdom is staying in Schwarhan Castle, and that Your Grace and her are engaged?”

Alicia stared up at Cabellenus.

Even at that moment, her grip was so strong that the veins protruded from the back of her hand.

“Are you feeling very anxious?”

He stroked the back of Alicia’s hand as if to soothe her, but her tight grip didn’t loosen.

“Because I know you’re overly ambitious.”

“…….”

“In the end, all I can rely on is Your Grace’s heart. In other words, it means that if your heart changes, everything would be over in a second.”

Alicia’s eyelashes trembled. She knew exactly why she was so anxious.

“I’m not much different from a dog right now. I’m endlessly waving my tail towards the person giving me food.”

“Don’t say such nonsense.”

“It’s not nonsense. Rather, it’s an objective evaluation.”

Alicia shook her head weakly.

No matter how well it was wrapped, a relationship that was too skewed to one side rather than being equal only made it clear which side had the advantage.

“You said you were going to become a great duchess that suited me.”

“That’s the story of the future, not now.”

“…….”

“I want to do my best for the future with you, Cabellenus, and I will. But to reach that future, I need to be confident.”

Alicia leaned towards Cabellenus somewhat hastily.

As she drew closer, she could feel the strength in Cabellenus’s body.

Cabellenus was obviously shaken by her.

But that was all.

The only reason she could be next to him was because he allowed it.

Cabellenus could force Alicia to remain by his side, but Alicia couldn’t.

If Cabellenus abandoned her, no matter how badly she wanted to stay, she wouldn’t be able to.

In the end, it was Cabellenus who decided the relationship between the two.

She couldn’t help but be conscious of it.

In order not to be abandoned, she merely tried to adapt and do her best.

Alicia slowly reached out her hand.

“You know what? All I could do, and all I’ve done so far, was to wait for you. To only look at your heart while constantly waiting. That’s all.”

“I…….”

“It’s all right. If I can stay with you, I can live that way. But…….”

“Don’t just lie in front of me.”

Alicia smiled as she spat out that remark.

With her watery eyes focused on Cabellenus, she raised the corners of her lips.