Chapter 53 – Different Views

“I can pretend like I don’t know. I can just let it go. But if I do that, I won’t be able to stop doubting you.”

“…….”

“I don’t want to doubt you.”

Her hair flowed down her weaky lowered hair.

Alicia clutched her skirt and raised her head again.

She was afraid to know the truth, but she didn’t avoid it.

“It was to protect you.”

“To protect me?”

“You’re too weak right now. That’s why I needed a shield to cover your existence.”

“……Is that all?”

“Yes.”

“Lies.”

Alicia bit her lips tightly to hold back her tears.

She wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t seen him. It was because she was now overly familiar with him.

Even if she didn’t want to notice them, his lies were clearly visible to her eyes.

“If you just needed a shield, you wouldn’t have picked a princess of the Christie Kingdom.”

“His Majesty arranged a meeting with her. And she…….”

“I’m sure she must have what Your Grace wanted. She has magic.”

Alicia laughed bitterly.

Cabellenus tried to reach out to her, but seeing her icy gaze, he quickly stopped his hand in mid-air.

“Your Grace is the Lord of Schwarhan. Even I know that. It’s reasonable to make a choice for Schwarhan. This land obviously needs magic.”

Alicia clenched her hands.

Schwarhan was heavily dependent on magic.

Knowing that fact, she knew that Cabellenus would feel differently about his relationship with the Christie Kingdom.

Cabellenus was the ruler of Schwarhan, and it was natural for him to make a choice for Schwarhan.

However, understanding it with the head and accepting it with the heart were two different issues.

“It’s a misunderstanding.”

“A misunderstanding? That’s not a misunderstanding.”

It was deception.

The corners of her eyes turned red, but Alicia didn’t cry.

She just stared at Cabellenus.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I didn’t mean anything else. I just didn’t want to make you worry.”

Cabellenus lowered himself to meet Alicia’s gaze.

Alicia was wary of Cabellenus and was like a cat with fur standing upright.

That fact alone made the man nervous.

“The promise with you will not change.”

“The promise you made?”

“I promised you I would take you as my wife and that you would become the Duchess of Schwarhan.”

Cabellenus carefully clasped Alicia’s hand as if supporting it.

The man remembered Alicia’s shy smile when he held her hand back then.

“Don’t worry too much. After all, it’s just a passing matter. You don’t have to care about it.”

“……How can I not care about that?”

“It doesn’t change anything just because you care about it.”

“It doesn’t change?”

Alicia let out a gasp without realising it.

At first, she thought the emotions reflected in Cabellenus’s eyes were guilt, but they weren’t.

The emotions the man harboured were not guilt but uneasiness.

When she realised that, she felt suffocated for a moment.

“……Even if I had known beforehand, Your Grace would have been engaged to her.”

“I know it can feel unpleasant. But it’s not something to be emotional about.”

Cabellenus’s thumb gently swept the back of Alicia’s hand.

It was an act to appease her, but Alicia couldn’t afford to care about it.

“You don’t have to think about anything else. Engagement is only a formality. Your position will not change.”

“There’s no way it won’t change. For whatever reason, Your Grace lied to me, and because of that lie, I can no longer blindly trust you.”

Alicia’s body trembled noticeably.

Her heart hurt as if it had been gouged out.

She didn’t know what to do because it was too much to bear, but she was resentful that it was her lover and not anyone else who ruined it.

“The reason I wanted to live and be happy was, ultimately, because of Your Grace. No matter how big my world grew, in the end, it all began with Your Grace – you are the centre of my world.”

Alicia swallowed her tears and spat out her words.

If she didn’t say anything, she was afraid that she would burst into tears.

And, eventually, she would be eaten away by grief forever.

“I have nothing to give to Your Grace. So, I’m not in a position to blame you for forming a necessary relationship with the Princess of Christie Kingdom. You are the Lord of Schwarhan after all.”

“Alicia.”

“But, at least it shouldn’t have been this way.”

Alicia exhaled a sigh.

“I’ll say it once again. I didn’t intend to do anything with the Princess of Christie Kingdom. The desire to protect you is also not a lie.”

“That’s not the point.”

A dispirited laugh escaped from Alicia’s clenched teeth.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“……Your Grace still doesn’t know why I’m like this.”

Alicia’s face distorted.

She wished she didn’t know. However, this time again, she could clearly see what Cabellenus was thinking.

He didn’t truly understand Alicia’s feelings.

“……Honestly, I don’t understand why you’re like this.”

“You don’t understand?”

Alicia’s voice trembled.

In terms of profit alone, Cabellenus wasn’t wrong.

However, in the first place, the issue was not something that could be settled simply by calculating the profits and losses.

It was a matter related to the relationship between the two.

At least Alicia thought so.

“It’s wrong of me to lie to you, but I don’t think I’m wrong. If the lies allow me to protect you, and I can also gain what I want, then it’s rather profitable. It’s not a bad thing. On the contrary, it’s a good thing.”

The man seemed to have a different idea.

Alicia’s eyes wavered.

He was obviously a man she knew more than anyone else, but at that moment, he felt unfamiliar, and she felt a surge of frustration.

“If you’re only going to calculate the benefits, then you shouldn’t have chosen me from the beginning, no. Even now, with someone other than me–”

Before she could finish speaking, he grabbed her shoulders.

Alicia stared at the ferocious gaze that seemed to want to eat her up at any moment and barely kept the smile on her face.

“Don’t say anything more.”

Cabellenus growled in a low voice.

He would rather crush her shoulders with his hands than let her continue her words.

But he didn’t want to hurt her.

Even while the anger was rising to the top of his head, he only gritted his teeth in the fear that he would destroy the skinny body.

But it was tolerable because Alicia was in front of him.

Cabellenus’s eyes were filled with strength.

“Are you afraid of losing me, Your Grace?”

“Yes.”

“Then, why did you do that?”

Alicia inadvertently pushed the man’s hand, which had been holding her shoulders, and looked up at him.

The woman’s eyes were watery but stared straight at him without shaking.

“Your Grace told me that you hoped I would become a person who could judge for myself. However, Your Grace doesn’t treat me that way.”

“…….”

“Your Grace must have received what you wanted from the engagement on the premise of marriage. You must have thought that you could get what you wanted in the name of protecting me. But, you know what?”

She wasn’t there for that choice.

Alicia smiled.

The corners of her mouth that were weakly raised was in danger of falling at any moment.

“Did you ever think about how I would feel about that choice?”

“…….”

“Have you ever thought about how I would feel when you, who always told me to be honest, got secretly engaged to another woman and even told lies in front of my face?”

The more she spat out, the clearer her emotions became.

Alicia closed her eyes to calm the seething emotions and then slowly opened them.

The grey eyes that emerged were piercing like sharpened blades.

“I wish you had just told me, no. At least when I asked, you shouldn’t have lied.”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t think of you. I sincerely meant to protect you.”

“If someone forcibly gives you something you don’t want and say it’s a gift, is it a gift? No, it’s not. It’s not a gift, it’s merely an imposition.”

It was strange.

The more her heart ached, the colder her mind became.

Alicia rubbed her eyes roughly and raised her head.

Because she blindly followed one thing and adjusted her body to it, it was easy to collapse.

As a result, if that one thing collapsed, then everything would fall apart.

“I can understand Your Grace’s position in my head. But I can’t do that with my heart. It’s because you chose another woman when you needed it, and you also lied to me, so I keep having bad thoughts.”

“There’s no need to think that way. It’ll never happen again.”

“It’s no use. The trust between us has collapsed, so I can no longer believe your words.”

Alicia pressed her sore eyes with her hands.

She didn’t want to cry even if she died at this moment.

“I’d like you to go back. I don’t want to see Your Grace’s face right now.”

“It was inevitable.”

“I told you. I don’t want to talk right now. I need time to think.”

Cabellenus hastily approached Alicia. But she didn’t look at him anymore.

“The Christie Kingdom is extremely vigilant, so I couldn’t get what I wanted despite all the effort I had put in. If I miss this opportunity, I don’t know how much more time it will take.”

“…….”

“Besides, your position is still unstable. That’s why, in order to protect you from those who are aiming for the position of Grand Duchess, I just thought that the correct answer was to not expose you as much as possible.”

“…….”

“That’s all. So…….”

Cabellenus reached out his hand, but Alicia still did not look at him.

She indifferently turned away her head as if she was looking elsewhere.

That fact was driving him crazy.

“Let’s talk later.”

“No. Talk to me right now.”

“If I talk to you now, I won’t be able to say anything good.”

“It doesn’t matter. You can pour everything onto me and blame me. It’s better that way.”

“I made it clear. I don’t want to talk to Your Grace right now.”

Alicia coldly slapped away his hand.

Cabellenus stared at her with his mouth shut.

Alicia had never refused his touch until now.

Whenever Cabellenus stretched out his hand, she would always lean her face against it shyly.

To the man, the woman’s refusal was very unfamiliar.

“Alicia.”

“After I’ve organised my thoughts, I’ll contact you so you can go back now.”

“If I go now, I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you again.”

“That’s great.”

He was hoping that there was a corner in her heart that would be shaken a little.

Cabellenus swallowed the emotions that had risen to his throat. He stared at the woman who turned her back to him for a long time.

However, Alicia never looked back at Cabellenus.

 * * *

“Leave me alone.”

“But it’s already been a few days. You’ll really collapse if you go on like this.”

“I don’t care.”

“My lady.”

“I don’t want to talk anymore, so please leave now.”

Due to the order, Mrs Morco was no longer able to complain and left the room.

Alicia still remained under the duvet after everyone left.

‘…….It hurts.’

Alicia barely managed to open her eyes and soon closed her eyes again due to the heavy eyelids.

Even though she tried to get herself together, her physical condition wasn’t good.

Whenever she took a deep breath, a hot breath flowed through her lips, and it was difficult to lift a single finger because there was no strength in her body.

But she didn’t want to ask anyone for help.

Even Mrs Morco had participated in Cabellenus’s lies.

With that in mind, no one appeared kind anymore.

Alicia bit her lips hard to hold back her tears.

Rather than feel numb from the pain in her mind, it was better to be sick.

That way, she wouldn’t know whether the pain came from the body or the heart.

‘I’m an idiot.’

Alicia unconsciously tried to curl up but stopped and exhaled instead.

She thought her habit of curling up was all fixed now, but it wasn’t.

Alicia briefly scoffed at herself and curled up like a pill bug.

[T/N: A pill bug (or a woodlouse) is a small dark terrestrial crustacean with a hard outer shell found under stones or in slightly wet soil and are capable of curling itself into a ball.]

Previously, she felt like she was floating in the sky. However, in an instant, she unbelievable fell into the abyss.

‘If only I were a proper princess.’

Alicia’s eyelashes trembled.

She couldn’t stop blaming herself even though she knew it wasn’t going to make the situation better.

It was because she wanted to hate Cabellenus a little less.

Alicia tightly squeezed her eyes shut.

Even at this moment, she liked Cabellenus.

And it felt increasingly more distressing.