Even If It’s Not Love - Chapter 68-2

[Happiness is when you feel a high sense of satisfaction about yourself. Which means that if you’re satisfied with yourself, you’re more likely to be happy. First, write down everything that comes to your mind according to the word presented. Then, reading that from time to time will be of great help.]

There were a few words written below. Spreading out a piece of paper, Yoo-hwa then grabbed a pen like a lost person holding onto any passerby. She was scared. She was afraid that she would never be happy even now that she was in an environment where she could be. She was afraid she would lose herself completely after being worn out like this.

Even though she knew it wasn’t the right answer, she did what she was told on the web page. She wrote down everything that came to mind when it came to work, friendship, and her parents.

Friendship – Something I lost a long time ago and can’t have.

Parents – Someone I want to see. Or something I’ve never had before.

She didn’t have a clear answer for any of them, but she kept writing. She hoped that something similar to happiness would come out of one of the hellish sentences and grab hold of herself. She wanted to live like that.

As she was desperately writing, Yoo-hwa’s gaze stopped at one word.

Love.

The pen that had been writing things somehow even though it was hard stopped there and didn’t move. She moved the pen to try and write anything, but it didn’t leave its original spot. She watched as the ink spread and became a big dot.

Love.

As she thought about it for a moment, something fell down inside her with a rattling sound. Yoo-hwa swallowed dry and slowly moved the pen.

Something I wanted to receive the most in my entire life. Something I once believed was eternal. Something I believed to be strong, but turned out to be more fragile than anything. Something that’s already over.

She wrote down the words that came to her mind like she was possessed. Once the words started pouring out like water in a reservoir, they flowed out endlessly.

As someone once said, love is weak, and what’s strong is the person who protects it. In that sense, I learned every moment that I was a weak person.

Even though she wondered what this had to do with happiness, she couldn’t stop her pen.

And at the end,

Sin Woo-hyun.

She saw that name.

Only after writing it all did she realize. She didn’t even know she had written it, but she did. Like it was love, without her even knowing it was love.

She hovered the tip of the pen on top of the name. She thought she would cover it up as if she had never written it, but lost strength in her hand. It wasn’t until the pen fell on the paper that Yoo-hwa let out a sigh she had been holding back. At this point, it was useless to erase it out of sight.

Because of all the sentences she wrote, in the end, there was not a single one that didn’t contain the name ‘Sin Woo-hyun’.

***

Waking up, Yoo-hwa swept over her disheveled hair.

She seemed to have fallen asleep here again.

When she opened her eyes after sitting blankly at her desk, she was often lying half asleep on the floor cushion. Rather than going to sleep, it was correct to say that she would suddenly lose consciousness. It was impossible to tell whether she was falling asleep because she was tired of thinking, or whether her body was forcing her to let go of her consciousness because she was unable to overcome the exhaustion.

She raised her body, stiff from sleeping on the floor, and saw a piece of paper on her desk. On that paper, many words and phrases related to each of them were written.

Knowing which name was at the end of it, Yoo-hwa quickly overturned the paper. She quickly tore the paper folded in half, but the truth is, she had to look at it. Even among all those words, it was the first thing that caught her eye, surprisingly. As if those countless sentences existed to reveal that one name.

After throwing the ripped piece of paper into the trash, she laughed as if it was ridiculous.

It was something done in vain. Trying to find happiness with a few words and sentences. Even more so with the name written at the end.

Pit-pat. Pit-pat.

Yoo-hwa’s head headed out the window at the sudden sound. Because she was on a high floor, she could see the gray sky in front of her. The pouring raindrops drew oblique lines on the windows. She looked indifferently at the sight of one line becoming two, and two lines becoming one again, and then picked up her phone. It was now time to get ready for work.

It was a relief. Knowing that there was something she needed to do.

After getting ready briefly, she was putting on her shoes to leave the house. She was about to take a step out, but a thump came from her feet. Her phone had fallen to the floor. Only then did she realize the burning pain on the back of her hand. She realized a little late that she dropped her phone when her hand hit the corner of the shoe rack. It was such a dull reaction that she thought there might be a problem with her sense of pain.