I Refuse To Be A Flower - Chapter 5

Pamela stayed in a convent until she was twenty.

She finished her convent life and became a great lady that her mother, Rachel always talked about.

As soon as she got home, she jumped into the marriage trade.

All to keep her virginity from the godfather who lusted for Pamela.

Her mother picked the ‘best candidate’ among the men and quickly married her off.

Of course, the decision on ‘best candidate’ was not at all in line with Pamela’s opinion. For her mother, the ‘best candidate’ was where she could make the most profits by selling her daughter.

“Pamela, my daughter. I have chosen the family you’re going to marry.”

Ominous feeling always followed with every gentle stroke her mother gave.

It was the same affectionate stroke as when I first met the godfather and when I entered the convent.

“My dear daughter.”

Her love was always distorted.

“Mother, I haven’t…”

“You’re going to be Baron Orrin’s wife…”

“…pardon?”

Once married, she could get out of her godfather’s grasp, but that didn’t mean she could marry anybody.

“Mother! He’s, uh, old…”

“He’s seventy this year. You will be his third mistress.”

That evening, Pamela cried and clung to her mother, pleading her to cancel the marriage.

Pamela, who always followed her mother’s wishes, was adamant to defy her words this time.

However, her mother scolded her daughter, saying,

“Don’t you know how much honor it is for a commoner to become a Baroness?”

But to be the Baron’s mistress and be married to an elderly man over seventy…

I would rather marry an ignorant man who stinks!

However, there was no way that her mother’s will would be broken.

Eventually, Pamela entered the baron’s house three days later, similar to a cow being taken to a slaughterhouse.

A simple wedding was held.

“So, you’re Pamela.”

Her husband’s appearance was much older and more unappealing than she imagined.

His hair was white, his hands were full of wrinkles, and his face was filled with age spots.

“Ba-baron Orrin…”

“Come here.”

Baron Orrin, sitting on the bed, motioned her to sit next to him.

As her body got closer, the Baron’s acrid smell engulfed her sense of smell.

Unable to frown, Pamela forced a smile. She had no choice but to move helplessly. Holding her hands, he began to stroke Pamela’s forearm, touching her shoulders and back and gradually lowering his hands.

“You’re pretty. Very pretty.”

“Ba-baron.”

“Shh, good girl, yes. Good girl.”

That night, Pamela cried all night.

Next to her husband, who was asleep as she wept silently.

Pamela tried to be nice. Even though she was pointed out, cursed, and ignored by many people, she tried her best.

She wanted to be nice, to be recognized, and to be treated a little more like a human.

But why?

As she greeted the morning sun with swollen eyes, Pamela thought. She’d quit being nice

“….”

“Nowadays, the daughter of a prostitute can also enter the convent, right?”

“Mother?”

At Cabine’s words, Anella, who was next to me, called her.

“I think that remark just now is too rude.”

“Miss Clayna, I asked Miss Pamela not you.”

“But Mother…”

“Miss Pamela. Why is there no answer?”

Despite Anella’s remainder, Mother’s attack continued. Even Anella was embarrassed to hear it, but Pamela simply smiled.

It hadn’t been long since they got to know each other, but Anella was so worried about her.

As expected, Anella was the same as the one in her memory.

The fact brought delight to Pamela as she nodded her head at Anella.

“Mother, you must be mistaken.”

“About what?”

“My mother is a respectable concubine.”

The difference between being a prostitute and a formal concubine was like heaven and Earth.

Even if you were not treated as a true wife, you were recognized as the second wife.

Even though my mother was a concubine who does not have a wedding, she was registered as his wife on paper.

In other words, her mother was still the wife of Harman himself.

“Maybe now, but the fact that your mother was a prostitute can never be erased.”

Surely being an aristocratic concubine was not good.

Only when you were young and beautiful, you could show your power by being loved by men, but as you got older, the love you received would gradually disappear like smoke.

“This place is where pure and clean girls are educated to be decent ladies. It’s not a place for people like you to come.”

Cabine, with an arrogant expression, swept herself with both hands as if she was getting goosebumps.

‘Where did I see that look…?’

Oh, it’s similar to a look made by a lady who saw a dead animal’s body on the side of the road.

The carcass of the dead animal was infested with maggots, which no one wanted to touch, and had no choice but to wait for it to rot away.

A bitter smile came to mind when I thought of a situation that was so similar to Pamela today.

“Mother Cabine, I know you hate me, but you can’t be that way.”

“What do you mean?”

“My godfather must have paid you a ‘price’ for me to come in here.”

“….”

The fact that she, who was a commoner and had a bad reputation, could be enrolled here meant that the godfather paid the price in some way.

For example, huge amounts of money or invisible profits. It was clear that whatever it was, it was not something to say to others easily.

“Haven’t you ever heard of giving back as much as you received?”

“…oh.”

“As long as Mother gets paid for it, I deserve to be here. Don’t you think so?”

“Miss Pamela, you are very improper.”

“I’m sad to hear that, Mother. I just want to get along with you. I don’t want to continue this banter any longer.”

“How are you like that? Is that your mother’s genes?”

Cabine glared at Pamela, who retorted every word she said. Her eyes were filled with a hidden aversion.

Not long after, a nun came from behind Cabine.

She hesitated as to whether or not to interrupt the Mother. The nun made up her resolve as she carefully tapped Cabine on the shoulder.

“What’s the matter?”

“Mo-mother. That…

The nun shuddered at Cabine’s tone.  Even though she was scared to do her job, she had to say it.

“….”

Pamela couldn’t tell what they were talking about because she whispered in the Mother’s ear

However, it was true that the conversation just eased the tension between Mother and Pamela a little.

Although, this probably would not last long.

“May I come in now?”

Pamela didn’t know what’s going on, but she wouldn’t want to continue squandering her time in this place as if there were no other things she could do.

Pamela’s prediction was correct, Mother’s expression also softened.

“The merciful mother will not keep me outside like this, right?”

“…”

Mother, who was about to nod her head to do so, frowned once again at Pamela’s word.

If it had been the past, she would have shed tears because she was afraid of the humiliation from the Mother’s attitude, but now Pamela had already gone through all sorts of hardships.These kinds of things didn’t hurt at all.

“…or maybe Mother won’t let me in?”

“…”

Mother Cabine’s eyebrows scrunched up at Pamela’s words.

Ever since she found out that she had returned, and that she was going back to the convent. She had expected a fight with Mother, but she didn’t know the Mother would target her from the first day.

What could she do about the constant harassment she had faced before? She tried to put up with it.

However, when she saw Mother, who was long buried in her memory, Pamela couldn’t help the fire of anger from spreading.

Thanks to the Mother and her followers, Pamela’s three years in the convent were hell itself.

She said that she would endure as much as she could to come out of the damn convent, but she had died and came back!

As a result…

“I see you’re better at speaking than I expected. That’s enough for today. Come on in.”

Cabine opened the door of the dormitory and raised her head.

“The nuns will guide all of you to your room.”

“Yes, Mother.”

Only then did the other girls, who were watching Pamela and Mother’s dispute, begin to cross the threshold one by one with their luggage in their hands. Meanwhile, the nun, who was whispering to Cabine, also went inside and led the girls to their rooms.

Finally, with only Anella and Pamela left, Cabine sighed, before she entered the door as well

“Pamela, are you okay?” Anella asked carefully, as she frowned and looked at the door where Mother had entered.

Pamela nodded her head to imply that she was okay and grabbed the handle of her luggage.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.”

“Young miss has helped me enough. Thank you..”

“No. I didn’t do anything. I was too afraid to retort her.”

At any rate, Anella’s sincerity was truly admirable. If Anella was a normal person, she would say she had helped her.

“No, I was helped by Young miss.”

Pamela shook her head at Anella’s modesty. The number of girls who just watched the incident with Mother was more than expected. Everyone was taking the Mother’s side.

Except for her, Anella Clayna.

“But you’d better not do anything to stop Mother. Not only Mother but also other nuns and sisters.”

Based on her character, she couldn’t sit back and watch inequitable actions be. Not just Mother, Pamela will have many enemies in the future.

“What? Why is that?”

“We’re not good for each other.”

It is a fact that it’s not good for us to get along with each other, the Count’s young miss, and the former prostitute’s concubine’s daughter.

The favor will one day become a poison.

“…yes.”

Anella nodded her head at the firm remark.

“It’s okay.  It can’t be helped. I know better than young miss how to deal with it. Mother’s reaction today was expected.”

It would be better to avoid annoying fights if you could and move on quietly, but in cases like this, it could also act as a way to give a strong first impression.

“Shall we go in now? Before Mother changes her mind.”

As she picked up her luggage again and walked inside with Anella trailing behind her.

Before she knew, the sun had set completely and the surrounding sky was dyed black and blue.

* * *

Damn it, you fucking old lady!’

Anella was assigned to a room in the middle of the first floor, while Pamela had to go through three floors up the stairs with a heavy load. She was spouting all sorts of curses inside.

“Sigh… I’m tired.”

She didn’t think it used to be this hard…

Is it because it’s too old to remember, or is it because her mind was old even though she’s young?

Pamela was struggling to stand up. She was about to collapse from the bout of dizziness. She slowly caught her breath to dispel the lightheadedness.

She had to go back and forth like this every day. Life here already felt terrible.

“Hey, are you assigned to this room?”

“…you!”