Lady to Queen

Chapter 203: Chapter 102 (1) – Why Do You Keep Confusing Me?

“Ugh…!” Lucio released a groan as he grabbed onto the sheet of his bed. -No, it cannot be, no it cannot be…- It felt like something as hot as the lava in a volcano was about to burst out from his heart.

“Hauugghh…” The onset of his episodes always started out normal like this. The volcano inside of him seemed to bubble and boil up, ready to erupt at any moment, and it never came out with full ferocity in the beginning. He tore off the pillowcase with a greatly distorted face.

“Please…” Was it because he had watched Patrizia sleeping in her bed? Was it because he had stayed by her side for such a long time? He always had an episode like this whenever a loved one or a loved one showed a weak side to him. He barely managed to exhale, releasing his breath in quick gasps. It was painful enough both mentally and physically for him to think that it would be better just to die…

“Aughhhhh!” The preparation was over. The volcano did not plan to go easy on him any longer. The wrath he had amassed ten years ago clearly had quite a long life. It survived persistently and violently on the guilty feelings he continued to have as an immoral son who had killed his mother.

In the end, he lost to his own illness. He could never fight these episodes directly and win. That would probably be the case until right before he died… no, maybe even after he passed away, he would not be able to prevail against it. Thus, he would remain the loser forever…

Creeeaaak…

The sound of the door opening sounded horrible, echoing throughout the room. But as he was caught up in the madness he had created for himself, Lucio could not even hear the disturbing noise. He simply cried out continually, hoping for salvation all the while cursing himself at the same time. A person like him was indeed a pitiful human being… “Heughh…”

“…”

Someone stared at him as he continued in that manner. Just as he did not notice that the door was open, he did not even notice that someone had their eyes fixed on him.

The person who had opened the door continued to observe Lucio silently, then slowly walked over to him. Even though the person walking seemed physically uncomfortable, as their gait was far from being confident, a dignified air remained in the midst of the fragility.

“Your Majesty,” someone called out to him.

He turned around to face the familiar voice. His eyes were bright red, and his self-inflicted wounds were dripping red all over himself.

Once Patrizia took in his appearance, she bit her pale lips without knowing. -Am I not able to distinguish between sympathy and love at all?- Patrizia held onto that one thought as she continued forward at an unsteady pace.

In the meantime, he continued to have his outburst.

She wanted to stop him from crying like that. She hoped that his suffering would come to an end. She knew it would be for the best if that sad rage managed to disappear quickly. Patrizia continued to have thoughts like that as she took another substantial step forward.

“Your Majesty…”

“Heughh…”

-Do not come to me,- he begged inside. The statement was half-sincere. It was hard to call this a good side of him to look at. He did not want to show her this ugly appearance of his. He felt like he would rather die than display behavior like this in front of the woman he loved.

But on the other hand, he wanted her to come. He thought about how nice it would be if Patrizia’s warm hands wrapped around him as she attempted to comfort him. He would then be able to sleep quietly in her embrace. He could finally be free from all the pain in his heart, and all the guilt of the past, so that he could finally get some solace.

Lucio felt apologetic towards her for even thinking that way, and not respecting the events of the past properly. His heart had always been like this, full of contradictions. It was a constant clash of instinct to run away from the pain, and the moral confinement he had placed himself in so that he would continuously subject himself to punishment.

“Please…” As she closed the physical gap between them, she stretched out her fingers toward him. Her reaching fingers were trembling in the air.

-Where did the trembling come from? Anger directed at me? If not that, is it the shame of having a man like me as her husband? Or… Does she also think that I am filthy? Does she think that I am some sort of a terrible monster?-

Lucio became more distressed as he made such assumptions, and thought of himself as an even more horrible monster than he had already believed, and refused her touch. He had no choice but to turn away from her as she reached out to him, continuously avoiding her hand.

He shouted, “No… no!”

“Ah…!” The force of the rejection significantly pushed Patrizia back, and as she was still weak at the time, she stumbled heavily in an unsteady manner at the strength in his reaction. Patrizia twisted forward uncontrollably, and her eyes showed a moment of perplexion.

If this happened, she would soon fall to the floor and seriously injure herself.

Lucio realized this and became even more flustered. He could not stay still, and quickly moved to catch her.

Their eyes naturally made contact.

He looked into her eyes and apologized in a voice that sounded like he was about to cry. “Ah…” He was acting like a child who did not know what to do. “I am… sorry.”

“…” She just stared up at him in a quiet manner.

Even at that moment, Lucio was thinking more about what Patrizia thought of him, rather than wondering what he should do if she did not accept his apology. It seemed to him that she would push him away from her at any moment, and proceed to blame him. Of course, he thought he deserved to be held accountable, but on the other hand, he did not want to be criticized by her. He thought to himself that he was a very selfish and wicked man…