Paranoid Love Affair - Chapter 20

Some days, just meeting with people tears apart my heart.

People roughly scratch and rub Yoon-woo’s rotten parts of the heart. And, then, Yoon-woo, after returning to his room from meeting people, thinks about the day he spent and becomes worn out.
[ T/N: Rotten parts of the heart: Bad parts of him. Like him being alone and not hanging out with friends. ]

However, no matter how much people swore, the things about Yoon-woo that people hated could not be easily fixed.

For example, the voice… … .

It would be nice for him to be able to change the voice too.

Then, Ji-eun wouldn’t be surprised every time Yoon-woo said something and wouldn’t avoid it.

Where are the vocal cords located in the throat? Can’t I just put something in my throat that can change my voice?

Even when eating dinner at Hye-rim’s house, Yoon-woo only thought of Bunny.

To him it seemed only Bunny was by his side in this whole world.

Bunny did not blame or criticize Yoon-woo for his voice.

So I just wanted to stay like this.

He didn’t want to lose Bunny who didn’t hate him just because he wanted to meet her.

But Yoon-woo was only thinking about himself.

Broad-minded people like Hye-rim and Ji-eun always carry on conversations while considering the other person’s point of view.

So, they have a gentle and pleasant personality that goes well with their good looks, and they maintain their relationships.

However, humans like Yoon-woo constantly make mistakes while being constantly afraid of being judged. They try rephrasing the things to say but they still make mistakes resulting in hurting themselves and others.

Even if he thinks hard about what to say, the other person would not easily accept Yoon-woo’s words as the way he meant it to be.

Isn’t it a congenital disease of a defective product called Yoon-woo Lee that he can’t even properly put his heart into words even if he squeezes his thoughts?

[So, you decided to drink with that senior this time? Is our Tofu doing well?]

“It’s going well… … . And, it’s just to repay for handwritten notes.”

[How about that senior? Pretty?]

“Yeah, she’s a pretty and cute person.”

[Last time, there was a very pretty person. This time the senior is pretty and cute? Tofu has some luck… … .]

I told Bunny that I was going to have a drink with Ji-eun. It was just to inform her that I might be late on the phone tomorrow evening.

Of course, I had no intention of ruining her mood, and I had no idea that the way I spoke would upset her.

Because the drinking party with Ji-eun was just a process of paying off mutual debt to Yoon-woo.

Rather than giving it a meaning, I was more worried that I might find a dislike for me in Ji-eun’s behaviour like before.

However, Yoon-woo, who doesn’t treat himself as a normal human in his heart, did not realize that Bunny’s situational awareness would not be the same as that of him.

That was the wrong thing he had done.

[So what are you gonna do, Tofu? Which of the two do you like? Between the very pretty classmate and the pretty and cute senior?]

“I keep telling you, Bunny, I have only you. You don’t have to ask me that.”

[Huh? uh… … .]

“By the way… … . No matter how I think about it, I think I said something wrong. Can’t we just not meet on Sunday? I should have said I trust you too, but I think I was whining for nothing.”

[Why? Do you hate seeing me now?]

“No, a little… … . I got scared… … .”

[What are you talking about? Am I scary?]

“I’m not saying Bunny is scary… … .”

[Tofu, you know what you’re talking about sounds really strange, right?]

Bunny didn’t even wait for Yoon-woo to complete the sentence. Only then did Yoon-woo realize that he had made her very angry.

Because her voice was as cold and frozen as when she was talking about her father who betrayed her mother.

“Uh… … . what?”

[So now… … . You have dinner with that very pretty classmate every day, and you have plans to drink with a pretty and cute senior tomorrow. How am I supposed to accept this?]

“Uh, huh? But, you are you. You and those people are different.”

[What’s different? Do you think I’m not pretty like them? Are you tired of me hanging out with pretty people in real life?]

“NO!, it’s not… … .”

[Or what? Are you afraid that I, who doesn’t even know your face, will cling to you and annoy you? You just want me to remain as your boring chatbot. Is that it?]

“No… … . I’m just… … .”

[Tofu, I know which school you go to and I know your real name, too. If you think I’m going to retreat so easily just because you’re tired… … . uh… … ? Tofu? Excuse me… … . Perhaps… … . now… … Are you crying?]

“Sorry… … . I’m sorry Bunny… … . I didn’t mean that.”

I was able to ignore any criticism from others without an expression, but when I faced Bunny’s anger, I felt overwhelmed, and I immediately burst out crying.

How can I make a sweet person like Bunny angry? How can I get upset when I was the one who made her angry?

Yoon-woo felt pathetic and disgusted with himself and wanted to disappear from the spot.

What if it was someone else? If it was Hye-rim or Ji-eun who talked to her and not me… … .

I want to be someone else. I wish it was someone other than me who was here.

[Uh… … . What should I do? Don’t cry, Tofu… … .]

“Sorry… … . I was wrong… … . Sorry… … .”

I’m so disgusting.

Now I won’t even have to go until Sunday. Bunny must have already hated me.

[Uh… … . excuse me… … . I’m sorry for being angry, Tofu.I lost my temper, and you weren’t listening to me. About that… … What did you mean? The reason you don’t want to meet me.. … .]

As soon as Bunny realized that Yoon-woo was crying, she began to comfort Yoon-woo with a kind voice.

This kindness was due to her considerate nature.

What do you think of Yoon-woo inside now?

“Just… … I’m afraid I won’t be able to even talk to you like this… … .”

[Why can’t you do that? Ah… … . Maybe because I’ll be disappointed when I see you in real life?]

“Huh… … .”

[I won’t be disappointed, you idiot ha… … ]

Bunny sighed deeply.

Maybe this will be the last one.

Bunny may have gotten tired of me now.

Even if it’s not right now, after a long time after hanging up, on a Sunday morning, you may think, ‘I don’t think I’m going to meet such a pathetic bastard.’

[Tofu. Just come out on Sunday morning as scheduled. Then you won’t have to worry about such useless things anymore. Understand?]

“Okay… … .”

[Sorry for getting angry… … . Don’t cry.]

“Huh… … .”

[Then I will see you on Sunday. Okay?]

“Okay.”

No other answer is possible anyway. Today was a heartbreaking day.

So I waited only for time to talk to Bunny.

There was also the expectation that Bunny, who noticed Yoon-woo’s hardship, would sing a playful song again.

But Yoon-woo ruined it all.

It’s always been like that. It was always Yoon-woo himself who ruined Yun-woo’s life.

After talking with Bunny, Yoon-woo imagined a daily life without her.

No matter what happens, if you work hard and imagine a bad situation in advance, you will feel less sorrow and pain.

On a Sunday morning, sitting alone in a Bordeaux baguette shop, looking out the window and checking the clock alternately, he regains his broken heart… … .

Hye-rim and Ji-eun are far away and he is living a life of not saying a word a day again… … .

Whether people are born that way, or whether they become him, he desires many times in a day to get rid of his voice.

Otherwise, the words that could not be uttered will go round and round inside his mind which will make him go insane.

The swirling thoughts swallowed up Yoon-woo’s reality, and Yoon-woo lived in fear and anxiety, feeling trapped in a huge stomach that does not know when the digestive juices will come out.

The way to suppress such fear and anxiety is to think of yourself as an inorganic thing or corpse that does not feel pain.

Maybe he was thinking about death so much as it would make this miserable life easy to live in.

Bunny was the closest to his death, but she was also the one who brought him the closest to life.

Before Bunny came into my life, I could only talk to a part-timer at a convenience store a day.

At that time, I didn’t even go to the gym. So, I bought and ate a sandwich which was about 2,300 won for lunch and that’s all I had for a day.

Even so, I did not feel hungry because of the unbearable anxiety.

To forget my anxiety, I went into an open chat room and looked for someone to talk to like crazy all day.

I wasn’t born to be loved, and I didn’t deserve attention, but I thought I would be able to overcome my fears by finding someone like me, someone who couldn’t live any longer, sharing a few words with me

Bunny he met in this way consoled him, made his heart feel safe which was more than what he had expected.

Without Bunny, would I be able to meet someone like Hye-rim or Ji-eun easily?

Yoon-woo felt like the ceiling of the room was coming down to crush him.

His hands started shaking and he was short of breath.

What would Hye-rim and Ji-eun think of me if they saw this?

If I puke at Hye-rim’s house… … . Such a feeling of fear pressed Yoon-woo’s chest, making it even more suffocating.

My heart was pounding and the bed was wet with sweat.

My vision was blurry.

It seemed as if the things above were coming down and the things below were rising up.

With trembling hands, Yoon-woo took the medicine box out of the drawer and swallowed more than half of the Seroquel pill.

Although it is a famous pill that makes you fall asleep like crazy, it is a drug that is prescribed to those who have insomnia or mental patients for various purposes. It had few side effects and was safe.

The doctor told me to cut the pills and eat only half of them if I was fine, but Yoon-woo was collecting the half-cut pills one by one from an empty container.

On such a difficult day, he eats half an extra pill and goes to sleep.

*********

“I made a mistake…… this temper”

After finishing the phone call with Yoon-woo, Bunny was shivering with regret.

“Ah… Why are you doing this if you’re going to make Yoon-woo cry? Are you crazy? Really……………. What do I do…? I’m sorry, Yoon-woo…….”

I was too immersed.

As I thought, Bunny is the character who should not be angry with Yoon-woo.

However, the problem was that I pretended to be Bunny for too long.

Suddenly, my mind erupts and I couldn’t control myself shooting words endlessly at Yoon-woo.

‘No… But it’s not ruined yet. Not yet…’

******

It’s Friday. Ji-eun missed the classical economics class that she had to take with Yoon-woo.

-Yoon-woo, I’m sorry. I overslept. I’ll make sure to listen to it next week!

-Yeah, I wrote the notes down, so don’t worry.

As expected, he believes in the words of a senior, who said that she overslept.

In fact, Ji-eun woke up early in the morning and was in a frenzy.

“Ah, do I need to put on makeup? It’d be weird if I suddenly dressed up too much and it’s not like we’re seeing each other. Should I just wear a simple jacket and jeans? But didn’t I keep wearing this in front of Yoon-woo? … What if he thinks that I didn’t change my clothes…What? Why does it smell like beer? Do I smell like this in front of Yoon-woo?”

When Hye-rim told her that I smelled of alcohol I took it as a joke. But I can’t believe it wasn’t……. I can’t believe I smelled like this even at the moment he hugged me on the stairs.….

“Ah… I want to die…”….’

Ji-eun, who was agonizing in front of her closet, ended up thinking of wearing skinny jeans, a white cap for short hair, and a hoodie…

I was going to wear it.. but I also wore it last week when I watched a movie.

“If I wear this again, I’ll look like a thief. Why don’t I have any clothes?’

Such an idea made Ji-eun walk to the shopping mall early in the morning.

Ji-eun, who is a little less than 150cm tall, took longer to shop than others.

It was so hard to find the right size for her, let alone something good.

First of all, most of the clothes bought at adult clothing stores didn’t fit.

Still, it’s good to argue that the hoodie was intended to be overfit somehow, but that also depends on the appearance of the hoodie.

If you wear something wrong, it would be like the child wearing the adult’s clothes, making you look completely ugly.

As a result of hard work from the morning, Ji-eun was able to buy a zip-up hoodie with a pretty two-tone design, which was colored white and black, at a reasonable price.

It’s really hard to buy a pair of clothes. Ji-eun just wore a varsity jacket every day because she was lazy.

After shopping like that, I looked at the clock at 1 p.m., and the classical economics class was already over.

Hye-rim also contacted me about why I wasn’t coming to eat.

Ji-eun replied that she just woke up.

I should have had lunch at Hye-rim’s house.

I can’t meet Yoon-woo because I’m getting ready to meet him. What contradiction is this?

I think the image of an unfaithful and lazy senior has become stronger because I’ve been doing nonsense for no reason.… Ji-eun, who came home with that thought, was exhausted from shopping and fell asleep without eating.

Fortunately, I woke up at 4 p.m., an hour before the appointment. I took a shower in a hurry, put on light makeup, dressed according to the style I had in mind in the morning, and looked in the mirror for a long time before heading to Anam Station.

On the way to the meeting place, Ji-eun felt dejected for no reason.

“Even if I make such a fuss, what’s the use? That eunuch doesn’t even budge at Hye-rim.”’

Hye-rim even wore tight leggings at the gym and bragged about her body a lot in the gym.

The person who didn’t even pay attention to it wouldn’t show interest in her.… But it’s not impossible to say that he likes her, right?

In fact, Yoon-woo’s response was surprisingly quite good.

“Huh? You look so pretty”.”

“Oh… Do I? Really?”

“Especially hoody. You look great in it”.

“Really? I think so, too. Hehe.”

Maybe Yoon-woo is a person who gives this kind of compliment to whoever comes out with him.

However, to say that, I’ve never seen Yoon-woo compliment Hye-rim about her appearance or clothes, so I felt a little good.

Come to think of it, this may be a matter of threshold.

Hye-rim is always pretty anyway, so her threshold is too high.

So, no matter how pretty Hye-rim dresses up, it’s easy to notice…….

But what about her? Wearing clothes that smelled of beer and showed no washing, the threshold must have been very low.

Ji-eun, who looked like a beggar, suddenly comes out in a new outfit, so she looks completely different.

Anyone will think that she is dressed up.

I felt better after being praised by Yoon-woo, but when I woke up tomorrow, I thought I should wash my clothes first.

5 o’clock was still early, and on Friday evening, there were many students going down to their homes.

So, Ji-eun and Yoon-woo were the first customers at the lamb skewer restaurant.

There were no other customers for a long time.

“Wow, this is working. I thought I should turn it upside down and grill it.”

“Is this really your first time seeing it?”

“Yeah…”

Interestingly, Yoon-woo, who kept looking at the skewer spinning on the machine, was cute like a cat waiting for the food.

Just looking at him made me laugh for no reason.

How many things in the world have this weak minded junior not done to be even amazed by the machine running on a skewer?

I wanted to see more of these reactions.

At the moment he first experienced something, I thought it would be nice if I could join and watch his fresh appearance from the side.

“Hey, Yoon-woo, it’s over there. Yoon-woo, ……. Have you ever drunk with someone else like this before?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Uh… You’re a freshman and you’ve never done this? Last semester, too? Is it your first time drinking with me?”

“Yes, I haven’t. You’re the first one that I’ve done this with”

Oh my god, it was his first time doing this.

Perhaps every time Yoon-woo eats lamb skewers, he will think of me?

Or whenever he drinks…….

When I thought of that, I couldn’t control my pounding heart.

Fortunately, she knew a good way to calm down in situations like this.

“Boss, give me a bottle here!”