Seeking for Your Forgiveness - Chapter 14

Chapter 14. Why Are You Suddenly Doing Something You Haven’t Done Before?

 

Ah.

 

Kristoff involuntarily let out a deep sigh. The word, “I’m tired” turned into a dagger and pierced his heart.

 

Marianne’s blue eyes, which used to always contain him, were now shining brightly. Without him.

 

“……what is it that you want?”

 

His cracked voice came out like a dry rice field. He wanted to say that if she wished for anything, he would give it to her. He wanted to say that he would help her achieve it if she would be by his side. Therefore, he said so.

 

Kristoff eventually noticed that he had made a mistake upon seeing an empty smile adorning her lips.

 

However, he didn’t know what it was. He wanted to catch Marianne and turned around, but he had no idea what to do.

 

Because it wasn’t his duty to hold her back all this time. Marianne stayed by his side out of her own will. He realized it too late. That it was this will that could be taken away at any time.

 

Snapdragon flower.

 

Prideful.

 

Purple flowers appeared clearly before his eyes. Kristoff, who was rubbing his chin, opened his mouth urgently.

 

“You do whatever you want. If you stay by my side and want to be a lawyer, I’ll do my best to give you that. If you want to work for the Police Agency, you can do that as well. I can introduce you to the head of the Capital Police Agency. The environment will be much better than here, you know.”

 

“I told you, Kristoff. I want to shine on my own.”

 

It seemed that he was choked by something, and something hot surged up within him. It was as if a piece of iron that had been heated on fire pierced the inside of his stomach. The burning, sharp pain seethed inside  him.

 

Kristoff clenched his jaw and stared at her intensely. At one point, his violent emotions soared.

 

“What do you mean, Marianne? Are you going to say that you don’t love me anymore?”

 

Marianne stared at him as he asked that question, holding back her sneer from crawling up to the surface again. He was still arrogant even at this moment. It seemed impossible for her to not love him anymore.

 

Unfortunately, his arrogant mind was right. She still loved Kristoff. However, she didn’t want him to catch her feelings.

 

She hated the life where she could just wait for him to look back at her. The desolate hours she went through, made her other side, Marianne Kloze, close off on its own.

 

Marianne nodded slowly while maintaining eye contact with him.

 

“Yes, Kristoff.”

 

“!”

 

Kristoff looked surprised for the first time. No, it was probably a look of despair.

 

His eyebrows rose above his forehead, and his black eyes opened wide. His lips  opened slightly as well.

 

He couldn’t believe it. The fact that Marianne didn’t love Kristoff anymore. It was as ridiculous as water flowing from the bottom to the top.

 

Then, the expression slowly began to fade from his face. He felt the blood moving around his body freeze. Little by little, anger filled his expressionless face.

 

“Marianne.”

 

He called her name with a cold and firm voice. Kristoff’s eyes suddenly shifted downward.

 

Marianne tried to guess what he was looking at down there. Her finger, which wasn’t adorned with their wedding ring. Now, the only trace left was a white mark on her empty ring finger.

 

As time went by, even traces of that white mark on her finger would disappear. Marianne desperately wanted her heart to be that way as well.

 

As time went by.

 

“No.”

 

Kristoff coldly reiterated the same remark in his head. The voice laced with anger, heartbreak, and perseverance clambered up at Marianne’s feet.

 

And ended up entangling her like a cold, stubborn snake.

 

“You can’t do that, Marianne.”

 

At the stubborn but arrogant tone, Marianne looked down only at her feet without saying anything. Faintly whispering to herself.

 

“No, I can do that.”

 

The words, as if a pledge to herself, reached Kristoff right into his ears. His eyes shone brightly.

 

A bleak wind that didn’t fit in the warm season passed between the two.

 

***

 

The sky was displaying the color of Marianne’s eyes, and the streets were quieter than before. It was time for everyone to go home and have dinner with their family.

 

A loud laugh broke out from one of the houses she passed by. A long trail of laughter followed her footsteps.

 

Thump, thump.

 

As I walked a few steps, a fierce thumping of feet shook the evening air. He was probably severely scolded, because the child’s sorrowful cry came out a moment after.

 

Marianne stopped walking. The quiet footsteps that had been following her for a while also dispersed.

 

She looked back and swallowed a quiet sigh.

 

“How long are you going to follow me, Kristoff?”

 

Kristoff stood five or six steps behind Marianne and stared at her. His stare was unfamiliar, as if he was looking at someone he’d never been familiar with before.

 

It took quite a while before he opened his lips again. There was his dejected voice.

 

“The sun has set.”

 

“……”

 

Marianne showed a subtle frown instead of answering. It sounded like he was worried about her.

 

No, that couldn’t be.

 

Marianne shook her head, trampling on the buds of expectations to prevent it from growing again. She held her lips tight so that he couldn’t catch the sight of it trembling.

 

Although it was said that society has become more equal than it used to, the title of Marquis was still so high to her that she didn’t even dare to lift her head to look up at it.

 

Therefore when Kristoff, the successor to the Marquis Schneider, said he would marry a commoner, her name almost appeared every day in the daily newspaper.

 

「Love Story Beyond Status!」

 

「The Birth of the First Commoner wife to the Marquis?」

 

「An extraordinary marriage that crossed the line of status! Will it bring a new wind to society?」

 

Marianne wasn’t foolish enough not to know what that meant. That her words and actions would affect Kristoff’s reputation.

 

She had to learn high-class manners and social etiquette so as not to be a stain on the Schneider family. She deemed those times as worthless.

 

Especially for Marianne, who was naturally free-spirited. She thought that that time was like pruning herself.

 

It was when she cut one branch after another that grew out wildly in order to become what everyone wants.

 

As a result, the last thing left of Lady Schneider, was an elegant and noble lady. The bright, cheerful, and curious Marianne was nowhere to be seen.

 

Nevertheless, there were people who still looked down on her. In general, they were women of powerful families who had been involved in the nobility for a long time.

 

Marianne had to struggle like a general who walked into the enemy camp on their own. The tea time she spent with them was similar to war, and the psychological attacks behind their laughter was like a fight between well-forged swords.

 

She didn’t want Kristoff to find out about her suffering. She didn’t even want him to worry about it. She just wanted him to ask her once, even if it was just an exchange of words for good manners.

 

However, he wasn’t interested in the teatime and banquets she had to attend. He didn’t even know how hard she was fighting there.

 

“I didn’t know you could be worried, too.”

 

Marianne’s indifferent voice came out of her lips. Kristoff only stared at her from afar. For a moment, his eyes trembled as if they were hurt.

 

Marianne, who realized that her voice was colder than she thought, turned around as if to hide her embarrassment. Then, she continued with her walk.

 

She heard footsteps following her one moment later.

 

The two walked on. They were not standing side by side or facing each other. The heavy silence descended upon each of their footprints.

 

A man who had become drunk early in the night, a cat snooping in the trash can, and the tree swaying in the wind passed by them.

 

“……”

 

Marianne finally stopped walking when she stood in front of the blue front door of the boarding house.

 

After taking a slight breath, she climbed up the stairs without looking back. And she entered the boarding house without saying anything. Kristoff didn’t hold her back either.

“I’m home, Madam Liszt.”

 

Marianne greeted in a cheerful voice. Madam Liszt, who was in the kitchen, came out after wiping hands on her apron.

 

“I was worried because it’s already late. Is everything all right, Marianne?”

 

“Yes. Except I had to carry an umbrella as Madam advised.”

 

“See, what did I say? There’s always one guy you have to hit on the head.”

 

“Hurry up and let’s have dinner quickly,” said Madam List after speaking haughtily. Marianne nodded.

 

“I’ll just change my clothes and come down again.”

 

“Alright, alright.”

 

Madam Liszt headed to the kitchen to heat up the food. Marianne went up to the second floor and took off her hat.

 

Phew.

 

The sigh she had been holding back finally came out. After hanging her hat on the wall, she casually threw her gaze out of the window after opening the closet door.

 

She could see a black shadow standing under the darkened sky.

 

“……”

 

The long shadow was standing motionlessly like a tree rooted in the ground.

 

Marianne’s eyes shook. Her moist breath came out, scattering through her lips, which she forced to be calm until a moment ago.

 

Kristoff.

 

At that moment, the shadow slowly raised their head. As if he heard her call.

 

“!”

 

She quickly hid herself behind the wall. Her heart was beating loudly. She closed her eyes tightly as if to get rid of the afterimage from her mind.

 

Why?

 

Why are you suddenly doing something you haven’t done before?

 

Her resentful heart fluttered. It would be nice if he could let her go without any regrets.

 

Kristoff seemed to be someone who put his hand in the door urgently just before it closed. Then, the conclusion was either one of the two.

 

Whether he, who couldn’t overcome the pain, hurriedly pulled out, or Marianne, who couldn’t bear to watch him, opened the door again.

 

Marianne wanted him to give up. Otherwise, it seemed that she would open the door to him at any moment.

 

It would be harder than she thought to simply watch Kristoff suffer on his own. Because she was more concerned about one bump on his finger than her own wound, that left her mouth wide open with blood flowing out of it. She slowly opened her eyes and walked over to the dressing table, and exhaled. There was a reflection of her face in the mirror.

 

She couldn’t believe she looked like that when she was talking to Kristoff. If it was true, he must have noticed immediately that it was a lie.

 

Marianne’s eyes scanned the surrounding helplessly. Looking at herself once again in the mirror, she opened the drawer and took out the scissors. She directed the blade to her neck. And following it.

 

Scrak, scrak.

 

She was cutting her long hair off. Marianne bit her lips in prayer that her stubborn lingering affection would be cut off the same way as this.

 

“Marianne! Do you still need time?”

 

“I’ll go down soon, Madam.”

 

After changing her clothes in a hurry, she went downstairs. That’s why she had no idea that the dark shadow was still standing in front of the house.

 

“It smells delicious.”

 

As well as the fact that he was listening quietly to her voice that could be heard from inside the house.