Thank You For Being Trash

Chapter 54 – What Love (3)

There was nowhere and nothing to blame about. However, I had no intention of blaming Acacia. It was me who brought Rewan here in the first place, and I knew how much Acacia worked hard for him. I was the one who gave him rest yesterday.

Tears flowed without knowing why.

Now, I knew it was selfish to do this though I didn’t want to see Rewan.

…I did not want to see his death.

Time passed, but I squatted still and couldn’t move for a while. As if time stopped like this. I knew I had given my heart to someone who was going to die. Why was I having a hard time? Tears streamed down both cheeks.

“Arne.”

Lepis, who I didn’t know when he came, grabbed my arms and pulled me up. He wiped the corners of my crying eyes. He dismissed the maids who had come with him. I shook off Lepis’ hand that was holding me up before sitting down on the floor.

“Arne!”

I glanced at Lepis with blank eyes.

If I had liked him even now, would my heart be at ease? It wasn’t even a funny idea. What to do… When he was captured, I thought that I would not be able to love Rewan, whose death was predicted.

That was my wish.

I did not know that emotions cannot be measured and cut with a ruler and a knife.

…I was foolish.

As Lepis leaned me on him and hugged me, the sound of his beating heart pounded against me. Tears flowed out like a burst of sobs at that insignificant simple sound.

“Ugh… huu…”

“Calm down, please. Arne. Your body is too cold.”

“No…no… I don’t want to go.”

Muttering so, I grabbed Lepis’ shoulder and hung onto him. Oh, it wasn’t painful for a beloved to die. I was worried about facing his death. Even though the pain would be fleeting, I couldn’t bear that… I didn’t want to bear it.

I’d been looking for pleasure. Why did I have to hurt?

It was a selfish thought, it was a selfish mind. What about the people who died for my pleasure? For my pleasure…

I took a deep breath. I was feeling a deep sense of guilt. They seemed to take shape and strangle me. It was difficult to breathe.

“Ugh… Gasp.”

“Breathe slowly, Arne.”

I gripped my chest in the pain of my heart pounding. Lepis grabbed my hand and placed his lips on it. His warm hands touched my body warmly. There was not enough oxygen amongst the feeling of guilt and fear.

I grabbed his collar. I needed warmth.

I needed pleasure to paralyze my brain.

“…I was wrong.”

“What did you do! What did you do wrong?”

Even in the midst of this, I wanted to scream at him, who spit out an apology. I didn’t like his worried gaze, the affectionate eyes hidden behind them. I was selfish to want to relieve my guilt, and they apologized to me. I was a selfish, mean, ugly person, so don’t apologize to me. I didn’t deserve an apology.

…Don’t love me. I don’t deserve to be loved.

Even now, I was more worried about myself than Rewan, who would soon die. I didn’t want to suffer, I didn’t want to face Rewan.

I was such a selfish person.

“I…I was wrong.”

Lepis gently stroked my shoulder. His painful emotions were clear in the corners of his tear-stained eyes.

“If Rewan dies, will you look after me? Will you look at me? Maybe there is a chance, I thought… I was wrong. Arne.”

Suddenly, the tears stopped.

My hands trembled. The suppressed emotions overflowed like a dam bursting. I wanted to block Lepis’ lips that were apologizing to me. Now, I wanted to kiss his lips, who told me of my selfishness… In front of love, everyone was a selfish beast.

I was just more important than the person I loved.

“Haha… ha.”

Laughter slipped out of my mouth. I slapped Lepis on the cheek. I pounded his chest with my fist. Even I, who was selfish in this situation, was insanely glad that Rewan had been captured because of Lepis, not because of me.

At that moment, I had a terribly selfish thought that I wasn’t the one who killed Rewan. I felt less guilty and happy. Even though Rewan was arrested, it was okay because it wasn’t my fault.

I was glad.

“You… how do you…”

“I have deceived you.”

Lepis knelt down on his knees. He placed his lips on the top of my foot.

“Please love me.”

“….”

“Look at me.”

“Lepis. I hate you, I can’t forgive you, I won’t even do it.”

I was relieved of guilt. I smiled happily inside. And then….. I thought differently as if my reason had been paralyzed. My head hurt. Rewan might die, was I really happy with that? My dry heart was pounding.

Drop.

Tears that had stopped dripping were flowing down my cheeks again. Perhaps, it was luck that Raphael died that the story changed the original Lepis and Acacia changed. In fact, it was their inner feelings that I didn’t know. Conceivably, they hadn’t changed.

It was an absurd assumption. I knew I was having a strange idea. I couldn’t face reality properly. I couldn’t think. Even though I knew it myself, I kept repeating thoughts that didn’t fit.

Ah, again, back to square one.

I couldn’t get rid of the burning disgust. I couldn’t escape the ghost of the original story.

Like a puppet with strings attached, I was turned and returned to its place. I guess I couldn’t let go of the book just because I didn’t think about it. I brought out a fact that I had ignored until the end, a fact that I had never even thought possible.

Maybe, I was also a marionette controlled by the original story…

Not wanting to think anymore, I raised my hand.

“Bring in the maid.”

I covered my face with my hands. I didn’t even want to talk to Lepis anymore. I was resentful for making me think of the original story again, and I hated him for arousing my selfishness. How far would you drag me? Until I give up being human?

I hated him.

Still, it was contemptuous to see me rejoicing with the relieved guilt at his words.

I put ice on my swollen eyes.

Wow, ice here was quite expensive. That was too much for a sex slave. I tried to hide my anxiety and thought about something else. The more I prepared, the more my mind became a mess. If Rewan died here, what if he died? What was the next story?

So, what about the past? Perhaps it was also fate.

Lepis looked at my face, which had become white and tired. I didn’t look at him. I didn’t want to see him and rekindle the chaos again.

I shut my lips tightly. In fact, it was all a lie to say that everything was just a variable and subject to change.

Maybe, it was my mistake.

What was I? Actually, perhaps, I was Arne… Maybe, I was pretending to enjoy myself because I wanted to get away from this place. My name, who used to live in Korea, was fuzzy.

I wanted to faint.

I shook my head at the one word that came to mind. No. That was not my name… my name was Arne. Empty eyes filled the air.

“Arne. I… I’m…”

I smacked him on the cheek for calling my name. I was angry. It was only now that I had taken root here and was slowly adjusting to it, but he ruined it all. He caused confusion again if this was the book.

If I had to go according to the contents of the book, there would be no place for me.

“Shut up. Don’t call my name because you don’t deserve it.”

“I was… wrong.”

“Shut up!”

“….”

“Don’t apologize. Because you have no right to apologize and your apology is not worth it.”

I refused to be escorted by Lepis. The fear of meeting Rewan was all engulfed in anger. That intense fear disappeared as if it was a lie. It was okay, but it wasn’t okay either.

The country was overflowing with human selfishness.

I felt like I was going to get nausea. To what extent would I become ugly? How far would I fall if there was no end? I know myself. I knew I was going to pursue pleasure in any situation. So, don’t ask me for any humanity.

…Don’t ask for love, don’t desire my feelings.

I opened the door to the banquet hall where Rewan would be.

Drip, drip.

Blood pooled on the floor, creating a puddle. My hand trembled. Maybe, the eyes Rewan would have would contain resentment. What kind of expression would he look at me? I was worried and closed my eyes.

“Open your eyes.”

Distria’s sharp words pierced my ears.

I glanced around. Lepis was next to Distria, and Acacia was lowering his head. The nobles were around. It was full of people, just like the day the festival was held. He made the death of another person an entertainment.

It was terrible.

What.

…Wasn’t I also a terrible person? I smiled bitterly inside.

In fact, maybe the story in the book was forced to progress as it was. Even though I knew it wasn’t, I fell into thoughts again. I felt like I was going crazy if I didn’t think like this.

I knew it wasn’t. I kept repeating meaningless thoughts.

I had already seen many changes. The world where Rewan ran away, the world where Raphael died… The already messed up mind that turned those changes back to nothing. Again, meaningless thoughts ran through my head.

Wake up.

Save Rewan… that this place was not in a book, that it was a new world. Prove yourself that you are living a new life. As I thought so, I opened my eyes and faced reality. Gazing at him hanging, there was no resentment, frustration, or fear in his eyes.

There was only guilt towards me.

“Your…Majesty. Ar…rne. For…give… me.”

Cough.

Lewan spilled blood out of his mouth.

A scream reached the end of my neck. Why was he apologizing to me until this? I relieved myself of the guilt because he was brought in by Lepis. Even now, I sympathize with myself, not him. It was for me to save him, but why was he worrying about me…?

An indescribable question lingered in my mouth.

Drip.

Blood pooled to form a puddle.

I shouted in Distria’s direction.

“What? What the hell do you want? What have I done wrong!”

Distria slowly walked towards me. He smiled contentedly.

“Try more.”

“Why are you doing this!”

I shouted passionately. I gasped for breath and grabbed my chest. I was frustrated. If he wanted, I could be his. Why was he bothering me like this?

Distria lifted my chin.

“Do you want to save him?”

I nodded hastily. Rewan’s mournful voice could be heard in my ear.

“For…forget… about… me.”

From where Rewan was tied down, bang! A heavy rustling sound rang out. Blood gushed out of his body with each movement from his tied arm. I shut my eyes again at the cruel and ruthless sight.

I loved him.

I didn’t love him.

I lifted my heel and followed Distria’s lips. He bowed his back as if in response. As I kissed his lips, the rustling sound that rang in my ears disappeared. It was because Rewan, who was moving, stopped moving. He didn’t say or do anything.

Distria looked down at the podium. The eyes of the people who looked up at the podium were strange as if they were drunk on drugs.

His intention was clear.

If I loved him more than I do myself, I would not save him because my actions would cause him an indelible wound.

…Still, I was more concerned with selfishness than my love.

“I will do anything.”

“Bring the elixir.”

Distria beckoned.