Episode 44 – Slump

“Haaaa, that was fun, Nagishiro kun!”
“Y-Yes”

Yes, it was supposed to be a fun event.
Having the opportunity to talk with the voice actor I liked, and at the same time being able to share my hobbies even just a little, this time must have been fun.

Still, after the …… meal, I felt like I wasn’t fully immersed in our time together, or rather, I felt like there were thoughts clinging to me that were getting in the way.

“Haa….”

I let out a small sigh so that Shizuku san would not notice.
Just the fact that I am not enjoying myself in this way makes me want to despise myself.

Still, I cannot involve others in my feelings.
I don’t want Shizuku san to leave with bad feelings.

I can’t afford to mess everything up.

For her, it was a date with her favorite Kazashiro Rei.

“Thank you very much for your time today, Shizuku san.”
“Hmm? Ah, no, no.”
“I really enjoyed it. It was a very valuable experience for me.”

I knew from experience that socializing was a good way to hide emotions.

It’s because the words come out smoothly without deep thought.

“Then, See you again somewhere”

I’ll close with an abstract way of saying “somewhere”.

I was afraid that if I stayed in Shizuku san’s presence any longer, I would expose my weakness.

The image of Kazashiro Rei in Shizuku san’s mind must not be destroyed.

After saying goodbye to Shizuku san I left her as if to escape.

She watched back.

About a week after that, in December.

I was suffering from a slump.

“Hmmm, I can’t seem to get it right. ……”

A melody comes to mind, but I can’t think of any lyrics to go with it.

— No, it’s not that I can’t think of it.

The lyrics will come out. The process for writing lyrics has not changed, nor has the spirit of getting there.

What changed was when the lyrics were written.

“…… sickening, this.”

All the lyrics I write are not accepted as lyrics.

It looks like a swamp of delusions.
It seems like a dull man’s escape from reality, and I don’t feel like singing those lyrics.

To be clear, it’s disgusting.

“I’ve been convinced until now.”

Until now, I had rather thought that all my lyrics were just my imagination and an escape from reality.
I was reopened to the idea that that was fine.

So I had no hesitation in writing lyrics, and I have never been in such a slump.
I Use the backspace key to erase the lyrics I just wrote, one by one, using the backspace key.

Have I been writing lyrics like this for a while ……?

I suddenly became curious and looked at the lyrics data of my songs on my computer.

“…..”

But I still don’t particularly think about it.

After all, I think it is because I have the feeling that the songs I have already written are out of my hands.

It looks like such a ready-made product, made by someone else.

Of course, it’s not that I don’t love the songs I write, but there is a sense that they are somehow different from my own.

But in contrast, what is not yet finished is one hundred percent mine.

“Hmmm, I think I finally peaked.”

With a sneer, I drink my coffee. The coffee felt lukewarm.

I Drop the music software I use to compose music on my computer and watch the videos that come up on the video sites that come up in the [recommendations for you].
This has been a recurring theme lately.

Ah, I can’t help but feel so miserable about myself. ……

I feel like I have become the average college student who wastes time wasting time that I was determined not to become.

And now I realize that until now I had been composing music and fulfilling my sense of superiority with it.

I was apparently feeling fulfilled and superior because of my fame and the fact that I was appreciated for who I was, even if I was a bit of an antagonist.
Not your average college student, or so I wanted to think.

“What a crap, …..I am.”

I close the video I was watching, lie on my back on the bed, look at the blank ceiling, and try to wrap my head around the cause of my slump.

It was after I had what seemed like a date with Shizuku san that I got into a slump.

I don’t believe in the slightest that she had a negative impact, but there is no doubt that she was a trigger.

….No, Come to think of it, the reason I changed my mind at that time was because I remembered Kotoha’s words.

[Do you think I am Rin Nagishiro? or do you think I am Kazashiro Rei?]

I remember myself asking Shizuku san this.

Thinking back again, what a pathetic question.
I scoff that when I asked this question, I probably wanted her to say, “You’re not Kazashiro Rei, you’re Nagishiro Rin kun.”

So, in a rush, I guess I wanted her to recognize me. I guess I wanted her to admit that I was attractive to her, not as Kazahiro rei
To Mizuno Shizuku, a person who is recognized by the public.

“I’m not a fan of using Shizuku san to fulfill such desires.”

In fact, Shizuku san answered as I thought she would, and I was happy too.
But now that I think about it, I can’t help but wonder if Shizuku san was flattered by my feelings.

The thought is a negative spiral.

What can I say, it’s really pathetic.

I have only piled myself up so much that I could collapse so easily.

“I should stop writing songs.”