Episode 53 – Where did I go wrong?

“How do I write a song, ……?”

I left Shizuku san and came home and blurted it out.
I don’t think there was much dissatisfaction in my words when I said “blurted out”.

I had been so lost in thinking of myself as Kazashiro Rei or Nagishiro Rin, and even depressed by it, but when she asked me to write a song for her, I did not feel bad about it.
In fact, I am happy that my existence is being recognized.

Such an inconsistent way of being seems terribly ugly.
Kazashiro Rei is a part of me, after all, it seems I think of him as a part of me too, somewhere.

It is childish to think that Kazashiro Rei would be so terribly depressed that he is not himself when it comes to his own self in matters of love.
It’s not even close to selfishness.

“Anyway, the song.”

After returning home and putting down my luggage, I immediately started working on a song.

But it doesn’t mean that I have to write a song.

Because I replied to Shizuku san, [I’ll do my best if I can.]

Even in places like this, I take precautions against her who told me that she would graduate from Kazashiro Rei. It’s really a cowardly, self-pretentious, misogynistic man, really.

So I have to do my best to make it somehow.

I had to make sure to write a song at the end to bring closure, or so I thought.

“But yeah…”

Even though I knew this in theory, what caused me to be encouraged by Shizuku san to do this in the first place was that I was in a slump of not being able to write songs.

That is not something that can be recovered in a short amount of time.

In fact, I’m sitting at my desk right now thinking of lyrics, but I can’t come up with anything good at all.

So, I decided to re-listen to some of the melodies I had thought about and saved up until now, just for the sake of something to do.

“I think I put it in a folder here somewhere.”

For the first time in a long time, I don’t even know which of the many folders I’m looking for.
This makes me realize that I really have not been composing music for a long time.

“Ah here it is”

I Plug a wired earphone into my computer and listen to them one by one.

I Listen to various types of sounds at random, some pop, some balladic, some rock.
Then, with music dripping in my ears, I create the lyrics.

But

“No, no, no, no.”

I Pull the earphones out of my ears and roll over on my back on the bed.

The lyrics – I can’t think of any.

I used to have the feeling that I had some lyrics in mind, but nothing seemed to fit.
I had forgotten how to write lyrics.

“Ah, seriously it’s bad…”

It makes me laugh.

I feel as if everything I have accumulated up to this point is falling apart again and I have to start all over again from scratch.

I can’t believe that after all that I’ve done, I’m back to zero just by not writing for such a short period of time, a couple of weeks.

“Haaa”

Regret, or rather despair. I’m blinded.

This kind of feeling probably comes from the fact that I was thinking in the corner of my mind about the path to becoming a composer.

As a composer, I have a certain amount of potential and experience.
It’s like, if I’m in trouble, I’ll just become a composer and make some money there.

But that was not the case.

Experience is now back to square one, and as I am in a slump, I have no more potential than a poor amateur.

Not becoming a composer with insurance finally made me lose even my life insurance.

It is only foolish to look at it from the side.
I am a fool to the point where I could be asked endlessly why I made such a choice.

“Ah, what did I do wrong?”

Was it a mistake to stop writing songs when I was in a slump, or was it a mistake not to make the decision to become a composer sooner?
Or was it a mistake to try to preserve my own dignity as Nagishiro Rin?

Looking back, I could think of so many things that were wrong, and I wondered how I had gotten myself into this situation.
If only I had made at least one right choice, none of this would have happened. I felt so weak, letting myself be carried away by my emotions for a moment.

Well, I guess I’m actually weak.

“the song…..is imposible”

Shizuku san might be disappointed, or dismayed that I can’t even make one last attempt.

But I can’t help it.

Perhaps Shizuku san would agree.
She might look a little sad, but she will probably forgive me easily.

–-and would never think of getting involved with me as a person ever again.

I feel lonely.

It’s true that I enjoyed the time I spent with Shizuku san, and I felt comforted by the fact that she thought a little better of me.
I may never see someone like that again in the future.

But don’t be picky.
If I spoil her, I’ll just get in her way.

She won’t want to be with me this time around, so if I want to be with her or something, that’s a nice inconvenience for her.
Being with people you don’t want to be with is a punishment.

“….Okay”

This time, this time we’re going to break up.

Don’t make the wrong choice here.

That’s what I thought, and I picked up my cell phone.
When I turned it on, the Twitter application that had been previously left open appeared on the screen.
Then I happened to notice that the word “Mizuno Shizuku” was trending in the Trends section.

“Shizuku san….?”

Suspiciously, and with a vaguely unpleasant feeling, I touched that trending text.

One tweet came up at the top of the search results.
It has also received over 10,000 retweets.

One photo was posted there.

A photograph of a tall man and a smaller woman beside him, taken from behind, against a background of late evening.
The man was looking forward so I could not make out his face, but the woman was wearing a mask and looking at the man, so I could lightly see her profile.

Apparently the two are talking in a friendly manner.

—badump !!

Then a strong shock seizes my heart, and I’m just barely able to control the tension.
Because the woman’s attire looked exactly like the attire of the woman I had seen about an hour earlier.

And the wording that fits under the picture.

[I think that’s Mizuno Shizuku, the voice actress, isn’t it?]

I understood everything in that moment.